Loneliness

I've been teaching for about 5 months now and I've begun to realize that this job gets pretty lonely at times.  It's pretty much just you driving to school, setting up the classroom for the day, making copies, teaching, trying to multitask while eating your lunch, cleaning up the classroom at the end of the day, grading papers, driving home, eating dinner, watching TV, grading more papers, getting ready for the next day, going to sleep, and doing it all over again the next day.  It's pretty much just you.

Being by myself isn't something that I'm very used to.  Coming right out of the college atmosphere doing all these things by myself is different.  It's lonely.  I don't even remember the last time I picked up a phone to just talk to someone for no absolute reason.  My brain is constantly in work mode.  Even when driving to school I find myself thinking about school.  When I go shopping I automatically start thinking, "Do I need this for my classroom?"  It's a constant thing that I can't seem to get rid of.  For example right now I'm looking at the christmas lights on my tree and thinking if I could decorate my classroom with them.  IT JUST DOESN'T STOP!  And because of this constant teacher mode brain of mine I don't have the time to "hang out".  It's sad.  And people may think that I'm putting my career over my family and friends, but I can't.  I can't afford to.

There's so much to do and so little time.

I keep thinking that they all hate me or that they have forgotten about me because I don't keep in touch, but I'm wrong.  I know I say that my students keep me going everyday, but honestly the people that I call my friends and family are doing so as well.  This post is dedicated to those who have the patience for my work and my lack of time that I give to them.  Because honestly if it weren't for those people I don't think I would be here today.

And fortunately I realized this yesterday when I was surprised by all of them with a check for $1,000.  I still don't believe it.  Honestly it's not even the money.  It's knowing that a group of people came together to make this happen for my students and I.  What!?  It's not even about the dollar amount.  If it was $5 I would've reacted the same way and $5 can go a long way at a bargain bookstore!

I want to tell them that what they have done is truly inspiring.  They have given me power to keep going.  To keep doing what I do.  They have given my students  the right to learn in a classroom where a lack of resources are a problem of the past.  Words cannot even describe how I feel right now.

I'm speechless.

So yes my first year of teaching will be lonely.  It is lonely.  There will be days when I want to drop everything because I'm not "happy", because it's "hard", because I'm "tired", and so on.  But knowing that I have a group of  people that will give me their hand when I'm about to fall is truly everything that I need in life to keep me going.  They haven't given me money, they have given me a much needed push to keep going.


-Ms. P

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Balls

I'm starting to think that my students (especially my 7th graders) think its completely okay to fail.  I mean yes they do get upset when they receive any sort of bad grade, but there's no effort given in trying to change the bad grade.  There's no realization that strikes in telling them maybe just maybe it's time to change things around.  Start doing homework, start paying attention, and so on.

Progress reports went out last Thursday.  More than half of my 7th grade students are in the C-F range. Friday they walk into class knowing that they have a lab.  They are loud, walking around, not paying any attention.  I stand in front of the class.  It takes them 15 minutes to realize that I'm standing up there.  We only have 45 minutes of class left.  I wait for them.  Then its silence.  See they're used to me settling them down, yelling at some, and so on.  Friday I had had it.  I wasn't going to waste my time doing any of it.  I looked at them.  They looked at me.  I waited for silence.  And I asked them...

"Are you okay with this?  Are you okay with how you walk into a classroom?  How you waste time even though you know that you're here to learn?  Are you okay with me just standing here waiting for you to settle down?  Are you okay that more than half of you are getting a D or an F in this class?  Because honestly if you're okay with it I'll sit right over there everyday and you can come in do what you want and walk out learning absolutely nothing.  I'll still get paid.  You won't.  Because if you're okay with that let me know."

More staring.

"Because until you have the balls enough to come up to me and tell me, Ms. P it's okay that I'm failing your class and it's not a big deal that I'm not learning anything, you better get your act together.  Because unless you have the balls enough to come up to me and say that to my face I will keep "doing too much", I will keep calling your parents, I will keep pushing you to do your work and pay attention, I will keep coming to your church, and I will keep doing MY job to educate YOU. So it's up to you to either get it together now or grow a pair."

Was it probably the best approach?  Probably not.  But did it get the point across?  Oh god yes it did.  Will it last?  Who knows.

-Ms. P

What Am I Doing?

I keep asking myself that question every time I sit down to plan my week.  What is it that I am doing?  People tell me "Wow, I'm really proud of you".  "You're making such a difference."  "Your life makes my life meaningless."

Should people be proud of me?  Am I making a difference?  Do things that I do have meaning?

Sadly,  I don't know.  I honestly don't know.  People take me for this big powerful teacher that is making a difference in the lives of children in the inner city.  What does difference even mean?  What is considered making a difference?  I personally don't think I'm making a difference at all.  I honestly don't know what I'm doing.

A few weeks ago I was told by the "Big Guy" that I needed to focus on 6th grade ELA and 7th grade science (both of which are going to be tested on).  I stared the "Big Guy" down.  Finally he split saying "I know its wrong...but.."

Corruption.  I smiled said thank you and walked out.

How do I make a difference in the lives of these kids when I'm vaguely being told not worry about half my students.

-Ms. P

“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.

R.I.P Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela

5 Things Inner City Teachers Do

5 things inner city teachers find themselves doing (that have nothing to do with education):


1.  You will end up driving your students home, to the train station, or to the bus station because its to cold and dark outside to let them go by themselves.

2.   You will have to become a parent to your students (making sure they eat, have a coat,  have clean clothes, etc.)

3.    You will have to babysit your students' little brothers and sisters after school while your students are at practice or club meetings.

4.    You will end up having at least one kid who ends up staying after school with you everyday because they don't want to go home.

5.    No matter how tired you are from the day, you will openly allow numbers 1-4 to happen even if its a Friday because you don't have the heart to say no.


As a first year teacher you think well is it right to drop off a kid at their house?  Is it legal?  Then you end up looking outside and realizing that its 5pm, its dark, its cold, and its not such a great neighborhood.  Does it matter if its legal or not?  I still don't know the right answer but I do know whats humane.  Hopefully being humane overrides the legality of things.

It surprises me that however much these kids annoy me at times, argue with me, act up in my class, they still come back to me.  They still want to "hang out".  It amazes me.  But then again, they're just trying to create a strong relationships with their teachers and so I let them.  I allow them to stay after school with me.  Sit in my classroom as I grade papers, clean my room, prepare for the next day.  And it amazes me the things that they dish out about their lives.  And I can't help but think wow!  The things that these kids go through everyday.  I remember when I was in middle school.  The biggest problem I had was what I would wear the next day.  My life was a joke compared to theirs.

The point of this blogpost?  I'm slowly realizing how much I love these kids.

-Ms. P

Real Teaching

So two other teachers and I have had it with the lack of engagement and care for learning from some of our students.  So we decided that we would divide and conquer.  The first was to attend mass at a student's church to really get involved in what he does out of school.  He is the junior deacon at his church, yet acts like a complete fool at school.  Something had to be done.  So we decided to go support him at church today.  We spoke with the parent before hand to let her know that we would be attending and we asked her to keep it a secret from her son.  The outcome?

Oh boy was he surprised.  His teachers had actually taken the time to attend the two hour service just for him.  That we actually cared enough about his grades and behavior at school that we made the effort to come all the way to his church.  It was great.  We introduced ourselves as his teachers and told everyone that we were there to support him and to make sure that he keeps doing his best at school.  It was amazing.  I honestly don't know how much of a positive affect this will have on this student.  I will have to see on Monday, but while sitting there and sharing that personal experience with that student, I realized that this was real teaching.

Forget about the science, the curriculum, the lesson plans, the assessments, and the standards.  That right there at that time was real teaching.  Sharing that personal experience with the parents, family, and friends of that student was real teaching.  I don't know if that lesson sunk in but it felt good.  It finally felt that I was doing something right.  Having that parent look at me and say thank you for sharing that time with them felt good.

Feeling good is very limited in my world of teaching...So I'll take it.

-Ms. P

Am I Teaching the Kids or Am I Teaching the Test?

Probably one of the many challenges that I am currently facing.  I plan my entire week during the weekend and I get this feeling of accomplishment.   I feel that I am prepared to teach these kids anything and everything.  Then I go to meetings and professional developments and leave them felling as if I were hit by a bus.  So I go back and think over my entire plan all over again.  Happens every week.

The worst.

They tell me I'm not teaching the right the thing.  I'm not teaching the right way.  I don't have time to teach my students grammar because it isn't in the standards.  I don't have time to read the entire novel with my students.  I shouldn't teach my students narrative writing the way I have planned to teach it because that isn't how it is going to look like on the state test.  The test.  It's not going to be on the TEST.  We need to teach the TEST.

But I tell them half my students don't know the difference between a subject and predicate.  They don't know that paragraphs should be indented.  They don't know what they need to capitalize and what not to capitalize.

But...I'm not allowed to teach it because it's not in the standards and most importantly its not on the test.  So what do I do in a school that is constantly watching my every move in the classroom.  In a school where strangers walk in to look through my lesson plans and make sure I'm teaching what they want me to.  What do I do with these kids?  How do I teach them?   More importantly how do I discretely teach them what they need to know?  What they need to know to become great readers, writers, high school and college ready individuals.

Isn't it more important to teach my kids than to teach the test?

Yes it is...But how come no one understands that?
Teaching the kids is what I'm struggling with.  Teaching the test is easy.

-Ms. P

The Disillusionment Phase

Disillusion is the feeling of disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be.  Does that describe me at this point in my teaching career?  Unfortunately yes it does.  It amazes me at how accurate this graph is!   It's October and I definitely have lost it.  I have lost the touch.

I thought I had it.  I thought I was there and I was going, but I was only surviving.  I was surviving each day as it came to me.

This past weekend I wrote a long and extensive email to our middle school representative.  Here is an excerpt of that email:

If there has ever been a time for communication it is now.  Communication was one of the things that was addressed during one of our middle school planning hours.  I feel that there is still a large lack of communication.  For example, I found out that half of my middle schoolers would be gone on Friday for the college visit on Wednesday the week of.  If I had known earlier, I would have been able to plan small science labs or something for the rest of the class.  Also, the high school visit, no one had any idea who was going to take over the math class because the math teacher was on the trip.  And "figure it out" was not an answer that was appropriate when asked who would be teaching her class at the last minute.  I find myself being surprised everyday by the last minute schedules changes, announcements, etc.   We need to know at least a couple of weeks in advance about these announcements.  Preferably from administration and not a student, which is where I seem to hear about changes.

I also have not received any resources to use for my ELA class.  The silent reading books that make up my small library have been bought by me and they are not enough.  My students, unfortunately, do not have a large variety to choose from.  I also asked the principal about this and I was given 3-4 classroom sets of books that I cannot put out in my library.  I need a variety of books, not 30 copies of the same book.  Also, those books given to me are not appropriate for my students.  I had a parent who has come up to me asking me that his son not read those books.  I know that there are many books at the old building that can honestly come in handy in my classroom.  There were also many guided reading books that we will need once we get guided reading rolling. 

I enjoy teaching ELA, but I am sad to say that it is too much to take on by myself.  I find myself giving more to ELA because of the lack of resources and less to my science classes.  I have a solution and that is to have another teacher co-teach with me so I can share the planning with one of them.  I was very surprised when the solution to this problem was to hire a brand new teacher just for this position, especially when we are constantly complaining about the lack of budget.  There are many teachers in this building that teach less than 1.5 hours a day that would be more than happy to take on this role.  We have the resources right in our own school and we are not using them.  I don't want to lose my ELA class to another teacher because I don't want to have my kids go through a third teacher.  That would be inconsiderate and we cannot afford to play lets see what works and what doesn't.  We need to get it right the first time around.  We already owe too much to these kids and I am willing to do my best to help with this process.  

Today during our team huddle we were told that the entire elementary team will have SmartBoards, but the middle school will not.  The entire elementary team will receive computers, but the middle school will not.  Oh but wait for it, we will receive laptops for our students that we will have to share amongst the three classrooms and we do not have any idea when that would be happening.  I don't have a vocabulary curriculum, I don't have library books and I don't have science equipment on top of that.  My classroom is being set up for failure.  

 We were also told that tomorrow would be crucial and that we must have our classrooms clean and neat  because we would be having visitors.  Last time I checked I was teaching a classroom, not putting on a show for the world to see.  Sometimes I wonder if the requirements for our classroom are not for our students but for our visitors.  For our visitors to see what an incredible school we are.  How organized we are.  How our college posters say that we are college ready.  It disgusts me.   I cried at that team huddle today.  I couldn't keep it together.  The words coming out of the "person on top" were meaningless today.  They were just words.  Empty promises.  

I just realized today that its just me.  No matter how much support and pats on the back you get from your colleagues, you're alone.  It's you and the kids in that classroom.  You're alone and its up to you.   Its up to you to teach these kids.  It up to you to play and loop around the system.  Because we all know the system is failing and most importantly it's failing our kids.  But there is no one more powerful enough than you to change it.  It's just me. 

Disillusionment...Pretty much sums it up. 

-Ms. P 

It's About the Kids...Right?

You hear about all these stories of how teachers make a difference in low income communities and how they "change" things around and how their classrooms are perfect and the kids love them and blah blah blah.

Making a difference is something that I think we all want to do one day.  It's the reason why I took this job in a low income community, in a school where the teachers left their students, and in a school where there was a lack of support and budget.  What was I thinking?  I thought I would walk in, charm the kids, and they would fall in love with me and I would become the next freedom writer?  So simple. Right?

Not.  Not at all.  Its hard.  

I'm teaching 4 classes a day, 5 hours a day, not counting the preps and hours spent before and after school.  I have teachers in my school that teach less than 2 hours a day, but make the same amount as I do, also first year teachers.  But I shouldn't think about that right?  It's about the kids right?  

I have probably spent over $500 of my own money on resources, books, classroom decor, prizes, etc.  None of which will be reimbursed.  But I shouldn't think about that right?  It's about the kids right?

I sit there and I take in criticism from administration for not having my standards posted on my board, for not having my student data posted, for not replacing my cardboard boxes with clear containers, for not having enough collegiate posters on my walls, for not having a bigger library, and on and on.  But I shouldn't think about that right?  It's about the kids right? 

I sit  there and listen to my students tell me that my signed referral doesn't mean anything because the dean isn't going to do anything about it and is just going to send them back in my classroom.  That I can call their mothers because their mothers could care less about what I have to tell them.  But I shouldn't think about that right?  It's about the kids right?  

It's about the kids.  I don't know how many times I am going to tell myself that its okay, you're doing this for the kids.  You're doing this for  them and only them.  They have had so many different teachers in their short lives and they can't lose another one because it's just going to mess them up.  They're going to lose faith.  You can't leave them.  You can't leave them.  You can't leave them.  It's hard.  It's very hard.  But I can't stop.  I need to keep going.  All the way. Until I get through them.  Whether it's this year or next year or the year after that.  I know that I'm no freedom writer and I'm definitely not no Joe Clark...not yet at least.  But I'm getting there and I won't get there if I stop.  If I stop I won't get anymore free paper.  Free paper keeps me going.  

-Ms. P

Free Paper

Last Friday, one of my 6th grade students brought me a pack of notebook paper.  I asked him what it was for and he answered, "Well I already have like three packs and so this is for you...I just thought you would need it".

I was speechless.  I didn't know what to say and I would have just started crying right then and there if I had not controlled myself.  I was just in awe of the fact that this student noticed.  He noticed that I might need some paper and he wanted to contribute.  He took the time to think in his head that hey I have all this paper and maybe Ms. P might need some...

...And it was then that I realized that you know what I could change things around.  There was hope. There was a chance.  And it only took a pack of free paper for me to realize this.  Who would have thought.

-Ms. P

Trudging On

It seems like every step I take forward I take 2 steps backwards.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know how to fix it.  It's frustrating.  It's annoying.  It's hard.  It's depressing.  I find myself yelling at my students.  I find myself giving up in front of my students.  I find myself working hours on hours on lesson plans and activities that last only for about 5 minutes because my students cannot keep it together.  Or is it that I can't keep them together?  It's only Monday and I'm finding myself giving up after everything that I do.  But, I keep showing up,  I keep spending hours on hours on those lesson plans, and I keep fake smiling everyday.  I hope it's enough to change things around...

-Ms. P

Goodbyes

You must really dislike your job if you would rather be unemployed.  Right?  Well apparently it's true because this week we are saying goodbye to one of our middle school teachers.  I don't know how to feel about this.  We are definitely loosing a strong teacher who has taught in the system for 10 years.  A teacher who has received multiple awards and recognition throughout her years in teaching.   But, she finally found her match and she can longer be herself at our school.

The sad part?  She doesn't blame the students.  She blames the system.  She blames the "people on the top"

Who gets punished?  The students.

Why?  They now have to repeat day one of school with another teacher.  They now have to build relations with a completely different teacher.  They now have no faith in the rest of their teachers.  For all they know I could be the next one to leave.  There isn't any consistency.  There is no trust.  I have lost them before I even had them.

-Ms. P

The Good and The Bad

Wow!  What a week!  I walked in last Thursday to find out that I would now be teaching 6th grade ELA (English Language Arts) on top of my three science classes that I already teach.  This past week was my first week with trying out the new schedule.

The Good:  I get to teach ELA, my first choice in subject if I had ever had a choice.
The Bad:  Now I'm teaching 4 classes back to back without any preps in between.  Exhausting.
The Good:  I get to build a stronger relationship with my 6th graders because I have them for so long.
The Bad: I have to rearrange my entire classroom for the third time this year so I can fit in a classroom library and a word wall for ELA.
The Good: I finally get to read to kids.
The Bad: I have no social life.

Yesterday morning I also found out that I am pretty much leading student council and that I was the school coordinator for the STEAM Fair and that I must have every middle school student complete a STEAM project.  I don't know if I walk around with a face that says. "Hey I am completely free please give me more work to do", but I just don't get it.

I'm tired.

The Good: I still want nothing more than to be a teacher.

-Ms. P

What They Still Won't Tell Me

The school that I teach at shares a building with another school.  So there are two different schools in one building.

Little did I know, my students were being called down last week in order to get them to transfer to the other school in our building.  What I don't understand is that why do I have to hear this for the first time from one of my students.  Talk about being frustrated.  One of my brightest students is now leaving because the "people from the top" decided the best way to solve our large student to teacher ratio is to send our best students to the other school.

Thank you Mr. Principal for not telling the teachers!  I now have to rethink my lessons and lab groups because I'm losing kids tomorrow!

After about 20 minutes of crying in my room and trying to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of the year, I have come to realize that the "people from the top" must have no sense at all.  How do you expect a child to leave her classmates who she has been with for years and move across the hall to another group of students that she doesn't even know?   To a school that she doesn't know?  How do you not tell your teachers that they will be moving kids out of the classroom?  How do you think that by targeting the brightest students and moving them out of a classroom will increase test scores?

I go to work everyday for students like her, if they're not there then who will I go for?

~Ms. P

What They Didn't Tell Me

They said it would be easy.  They said my students are great.  They said I would have a great year.

They said a lot of things, but they didn't tell me:

I wouldn't have room to fit 40 something students in my classroom.
I wouldn't have enough textbooks for my 40 something students.
I wouldn't have lab materials to teach a science lab.
I wouldn't have students that were ready to learn.
I wouldn't have to deal with two rival schools that would be located in the same building.
I wouldn't have to write detentions and suspensions on the first week.
I wouldn't have to worry about having a planning period.
I wouldn't have to prove to my students that I was here to stay.

Despite what they didn't tell me,  will it be easy?  Yes it will.  Are my students great?  Of course they are.  Will this year be great?  It has to be great because I can't afford to have the worst first year ever. Teaching in an inner city public school is something that I have wanted for so long.  I wanted it so badly that I didn't even apply for a teaching position in the suburbs (Don't tell my parents).

People ask me why in the world would you want to work at a school like that and truly I've been asking the same question to myself these days as well.  And the answer is why not?  If I don't teach those kids who will?  We talk about social justice and equal education but some of us never do anything about it.  I wanted to do something about it and thats why I teach.  I teach for  my students who ride the public bus and train everyday through neighborhoods that they have never been to so they can get a chance at an education.  I teach for those students who ask me, "Ms. Patel will you leave us like the other three teachers did last year?"  I teach for those students who I know will rise above their drug and gang consumed societies and do great things.  Because knowing that I was able to help one student overcome the hardships of an urban education outweigh the things that they didn't tell me.

Its going to be a long and challenging journey ahead, but a journey that I am fully prepared to take...

I think.

~ Ms. P