Decisions Decisions

I've been putting this back for a while now and it kills me every time I think about it.

Next year.

I know I should be covering my butt and making sure that I have a back up plan if my school decides to close next year.  Even if it doesn't close should I take another job?  Should I leave?  Find something better?  Even though I dislike being in that building some days, I can't see myself being anywhere else.  Do I want to go through the same challenges and hurdles next year as well?  More than half of our staff is planning on leaving next year no matter what happens.  Do I want to give up living on the edge at all times, not knowing what's going to happen each day, leaving school drained and defeated? Or do I want to stay and stick it out and make sure that my time spent this past year did not go to waste?

It's April, I mean someone has to have some sort of idea what's going to happen to us next year? You just don't close schools down last minute.  There has to be conversations.  There has to be plans.  Here's my theory: He doesn't want to tell us until after our end of the year testing because if he does we'll be too engrossed in that than focusing on preparing our students to take the test.

Once again standardized tests over everything else that might be considered important.  

I think deep down inside I know what it is that I want to do and that is to stay.  I've given too much to this school already to just pack my bags and leave it behind.  Even though they drive me crazy, I will miss these kids.  I don't know how to stand up there and tell them that I'm leaving them and that they'll have to deal with a whole new teacher all over again.

I mean do  I want something better?  Yes.  Was I expecting a better school year when I stepped into that school for the first time?  Yes.  Is this everything that I wanted and more?  No.

But it's worth it.  I don't know how when everything at this point is looking so bleak.  But it's worth it.  I look at what I'm doing with my life and I know it's worth it.  I work with a group of people who are not only dedicated to their careers but to these kids and to this school as well.  Yes we've had some leave and yes we'll have more leave by next year, but right now they're dedicated.  I just want my dedication to not go to waste so yes I'll be staying...well unless of course we close.  Thats a whole different story for a different time.

Decision made.

-Ms. P