The Disillusionment Phase

Disillusion is the feeling of disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be.  Does that describe me at this point in my teaching career?  Unfortunately yes it does.  It amazes me at how accurate this graph is!   It's October and I definitely have lost it.  I have lost the touch.

I thought I had it.  I thought I was there and I was going, but I was only surviving.  I was surviving each day as it came to me.

This past weekend I wrote a long and extensive email to our middle school representative.  Here is an excerpt of that email:

If there has ever been a time for communication it is now.  Communication was one of the things that was addressed during one of our middle school planning hours.  I feel that there is still a large lack of communication.  For example, I found out that half of my middle schoolers would be gone on Friday for the college visit on Wednesday the week of.  If I had known earlier, I would have been able to plan small science labs or something for the rest of the class.  Also, the high school visit, no one had any idea who was going to take over the math class because the math teacher was on the trip.  And "figure it out" was not an answer that was appropriate when asked who would be teaching her class at the last minute.  I find myself being surprised everyday by the last minute schedules changes, announcements, etc.   We need to know at least a couple of weeks in advance about these announcements.  Preferably from administration and not a student, which is where I seem to hear about changes.

I also have not received any resources to use for my ELA class.  The silent reading books that make up my small library have been bought by me and they are not enough.  My students, unfortunately, do not have a large variety to choose from.  I also asked the principal about this and I was given 3-4 classroom sets of books that I cannot put out in my library.  I need a variety of books, not 30 copies of the same book.  Also, those books given to me are not appropriate for my students.  I had a parent who has come up to me asking me that his son not read those books.  I know that there are many books at the old building that can honestly come in handy in my classroom.  There were also many guided reading books that we will need once we get guided reading rolling. 

I enjoy teaching ELA, but I am sad to say that it is too much to take on by myself.  I find myself giving more to ELA because of the lack of resources and less to my science classes.  I have a solution and that is to have another teacher co-teach with me so I can share the planning with one of them.  I was very surprised when the solution to this problem was to hire a brand new teacher just for this position, especially when we are constantly complaining about the lack of budget.  There are many teachers in this building that teach less than 1.5 hours a day that would be more than happy to take on this role.  We have the resources right in our own school and we are not using them.  I don't want to lose my ELA class to another teacher because I don't want to have my kids go through a third teacher.  That would be inconsiderate and we cannot afford to play lets see what works and what doesn't.  We need to get it right the first time around.  We already owe too much to these kids and I am willing to do my best to help with this process.  

Today during our team huddle we were told that the entire elementary team will have SmartBoards, but the middle school will not.  The entire elementary team will receive computers, but the middle school will not.  Oh but wait for it, we will receive laptops for our students that we will have to share amongst the three classrooms and we do not have any idea when that would be happening.  I don't have a vocabulary curriculum, I don't have library books and I don't have science equipment on top of that.  My classroom is being set up for failure.  

 We were also told that tomorrow would be crucial and that we must have our classrooms clean and neat  because we would be having visitors.  Last time I checked I was teaching a classroom, not putting on a show for the world to see.  Sometimes I wonder if the requirements for our classroom are not for our students but for our visitors.  For our visitors to see what an incredible school we are.  How organized we are.  How our college posters say that we are college ready.  It disgusts me.   I cried at that team huddle today.  I couldn't keep it together.  The words coming out of the "person on top" were meaningless today.  They were just words.  Empty promises.  

I just realized today that its just me.  No matter how much support and pats on the back you get from your colleagues, you're alone.  It's you and the kids in that classroom.  You're alone and its up to you.   Its up to you to teach these kids.  It up to you to play and loop around the system.  Because we all know the system is failing and most importantly it's failing our kids.  But there is no one more powerful enough than you to change it.  It's just me. 

Disillusionment...Pretty much sums it up. 

-Ms. P 

It's About the Kids...Right?

You hear about all these stories of how teachers make a difference in low income communities and how they "change" things around and how their classrooms are perfect and the kids love them and blah blah blah.

Making a difference is something that I think we all want to do one day.  It's the reason why I took this job in a low income community, in a school where the teachers left their students, and in a school where there was a lack of support and budget.  What was I thinking?  I thought I would walk in, charm the kids, and they would fall in love with me and I would become the next freedom writer?  So simple. Right?

Not.  Not at all.  Its hard.  

I'm teaching 4 classes a day, 5 hours a day, not counting the preps and hours spent before and after school.  I have teachers in my school that teach less than 2 hours a day, but make the same amount as I do, also first year teachers.  But I shouldn't think about that right?  It's about the kids right?  

I have probably spent over $500 of my own money on resources, books, classroom decor, prizes, etc.  None of which will be reimbursed.  But I shouldn't think about that right?  It's about the kids right?

I sit there and I take in criticism from administration for not having my standards posted on my board, for not having my student data posted, for not replacing my cardboard boxes with clear containers, for not having enough collegiate posters on my walls, for not having a bigger library, and on and on.  But I shouldn't think about that right?  It's about the kids right? 

I sit  there and listen to my students tell me that my signed referral doesn't mean anything because the dean isn't going to do anything about it and is just going to send them back in my classroom.  That I can call their mothers because their mothers could care less about what I have to tell them.  But I shouldn't think about that right?  It's about the kids right?  

It's about the kids.  I don't know how many times I am going to tell myself that its okay, you're doing this for the kids.  You're doing this for  them and only them.  They have had so many different teachers in their short lives and they can't lose another one because it's just going to mess them up.  They're going to lose faith.  You can't leave them.  You can't leave them.  You can't leave them.  It's hard.  It's very hard.  But I can't stop.  I need to keep going.  All the way. Until I get through them.  Whether it's this year or next year or the year after that.  I know that I'm no freedom writer and I'm definitely not no Joe Clark...not yet at least.  But I'm getting there and I won't get there if I stop.  If I stop I won't get anymore free paper.  Free paper keeps me going.  

-Ms. P

Free Paper

Last Friday, one of my 6th grade students brought me a pack of notebook paper.  I asked him what it was for and he answered, "Well I already have like three packs and so this is for you...I just thought you would need it".

I was speechless.  I didn't know what to say and I would have just started crying right then and there if I had not controlled myself.  I was just in awe of the fact that this student noticed.  He noticed that I might need some paper and he wanted to contribute.  He took the time to think in his head that hey I have all this paper and maybe Ms. P might need some...

...And it was then that I realized that you know what I could change things around.  There was hope. There was a chance.  And it only took a pack of free paper for me to realize this.  Who would have thought.

-Ms. P

Trudging On

It seems like every step I take forward I take 2 steps backwards.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know how to fix it.  It's frustrating.  It's annoying.  It's hard.  It's depressing.  I find myself yelling at my students.  I find myself giving up in front of my students.  I find myself working hours on hours on lesson plans and activities that last only for about 5 minutes because my students cannot keep it together.  Or is it that I can't keep them together?  It's only Monday and I'm finding myself giving up after everything that I do.  But, I keep showing up,  I keep spending hours on hours on those lesson plans, and I keep fake smiling everyday.  I hope it's enough to change things around...

-Ms. P

Goodbyes

You must really dislike your job if you would rather be unemployed.  Right?  Well apparently it's true because this week we are saying goodbye to one of our middle school teachers.  I don't know how to feel about this.  We are definitely loosing a strong teacher who has taught in the system for 10 years.  A teacher who has received multiple awards and recognition throughout her years in teaching.   But, she finally found her match and she can longer be herself at our school.

The sad part?  She doesn't blame the students.  She blames the system.  She blames the "people on the top"

Who gets punished?  The students.

Why?  They now have to repeat day one of school with another teacher.  They now have to build relations with a completely different teacher.  They now have no faith in the rest of their teachers.  For all they know I could be the next one to leave.  There isn't any consistency.  There is no trust.  I have lost them before I even had them.

-Ms. P