Loneliness

I've been teaching for about 5 months now and I've begun to realize that this job gets pretty lonely at times.  It's pretty much just you driving to school, setting up the classroom for the day, making copies, teaching, trying to multitask while eating your lunch, cleaning up the classroom at the end of the day, grading papers, driving home, eating dinner, watching TV, grading more papers, getting ready for the next day, going to sleep, and doing it all over again the next day.  It's pretty much just you.

Being by myself isn't something that I'm very used to.  Coming right out of the college atmosphere doing all these things by myself is different.  It's lonely.  I don't even remember the last time I picked up a phone to just talk to someone for no absolute reason.  My brain is constantly in work mode.  Even when driving to school I find myself thinking about school.  When I go shopping I automatically start thinking, "Do I need this for my classroom?"  It's a constant thing that I can't seem to get rid of.  For example right now I'm looking at the christmas lights on my tree and thinking if I could decorate my classroom with them.  IT JUST DOESN'T STOP!  And because of this constant teacher mode brain of mine I don't have the time to "hang out".  It's sad.  And people may think that I'm putting my career over my family and friends, but I can't.  I can't afford to.

There's so much to do and so little time.

I keep thinking that they all hate me or that they have forgotten about me because I don't keep in touch, but I'm wrong.  I know I say that my students keep me going everyday, but honestly the people that I call my friends and family are doing so as well.  This post is dedicated to those who have the patience for my work and my lack of time that I give to them.  Because honestly if it weren't for those people I don't think I would be here today.

And fortunately I realized this yesterday when I was surprised by all of them with a check for $1,000.  I still don't believe it.  Honestly it's not even the money.  It's knowing that a group of people came together to make this happen for my students and I.  What!?  It's not even about the dollar amount.  If it was $5 I would've reacted the same way and $5 can go a long way at a bargain bookstore!

I want to tell them that what they have done is truly inspiring.  They have given me power to keep going.  To keep doing what I do.  They have given my students  the right to learn in a classroom where a lack of resources are a problem of the past.  Words cannot even describe how I feel right now.

I'm speechless.

So yes my first year of teaching will be lonely.  It is lonely.  There will be days when I want to drop everything because I'm not "happy", because it's "hard", because I'm "tired", and so on.  But knowing that I have a group of  people that will give me their hand when I'm about to fall is truly everything that I need in life to keep me going.  They haven't given me money, they have given me a much needed push to keep going.


-Ms. P

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Balls

I'm starting to think that my students (especially my 7th graders) think its completely okay to fail.  I mean yes they do get upset when they receive any sort of bad grade, but there's no effort given in trying to change the bad grade.  There's no realization that strikes in telling them maybe just maybe it's time to change things around.  Start doing homework, start paying attention, and so on.

Progress reports went out last Thursday.  More than half of my 7th grade students are in the C-F range. Friday they walk into class knowing that they have a lab.  They are loud, walking around, not paying any attention.  I stand in front of the class.  It takes them 15 minutes to realize that I'm standing up there.  We only have 45 minutes of class left.  I wait for them.  Then its silence.  See they're used to me settling them down, yelling at some, and so on.  Friday I had had it.  I wasn't going to waste my time doing any of it.  I looked at them.  They looked at me.  I waited for silence.  And I asked them...

"Are you okay with this?  Are you okay with how you walk into a classroom?  How you waste time even though you know that you're here to learn?  Are you okay with me just standing here waiting for you to settle down?  Are you okay that more than half of you are getting a D or an F in this class?  Because honestly if you're okay with it I'll sit right over there everyday and you can come in do what you want and walk out learning absolutely nothing.  I'll still get paid.  You won't.  Because if you're okay with that let me know."

More staring.

"Because until you have the balls enough to come up to me and tell me, Ms. P it's okay that I'm failing your class and it's not a big deal that I'm not learning anything, you better get your act together.  Because unless you have the balls enough to come up to me and say that to my face I will keep "doing too much", I will keep calling your parents, I will keep pushing you to do your work and pay attention, I will keep coming to your church, and I will keep doing MY job to educate YOU. So it's up to you to either get it together now or grow a pair."

Was it probably the best approach?  Probably not.  But did it get the point across?  Oh god yes it did.  Will it last?  Who knows.

-Ms. P

What Am I Doing?

I keep asking myself that question every time I sit down to plan my week.  What is it that I am doing?  People tell me "Wow, I'm really proud of you".  "You're making such a difference."  "Your life makes my life meaningless."

Should people be proud of me?  Am I making a difference?  Do things that I do have meaning?

Sadly,  I don't know.  I honestly don't know.  People take me for this big powerful teacher that is making a difference in the lives of children in the inner city.  What does difference even mean?  What is considered making a difference?  I personally don't think I'm making a difference at all.  I honestly don't know what I'm doing.

A few weeks ago I was told by the "Big Guy" that I needed to focus on 6th grade ELA and 7th grade science (both of which are going to be tested on).  I stared the "Big Guy" down.  Finally he split saying "I know its wrong...but.."

Corruption.  I smiled said thank you and walked out.

How do I make a difference in the lives of these kids when I'm vaguely being told not worry about half my students.

-Ms. P

“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.

R.I.P Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela